Dear friend,
Do you want to learn how to use Web 2.0 Social Media to become a millionaire overnight? How would you like to increase your Twitter followers by eleventy-billion in 3.68 seconds? Do you want to use Twitter to make a gazillion dollars through affiliate marketing and multi-level marketing schemes? Do you use the term "Twitter Coach" to describe yourself?

You do? Then you are a douchebag.

If you received a link to this page via Twitter, odds are, you're a giant douchebag.

The banner you clicked on to get to this page promised "Free info that will change your life." And hopefully, it will. We have taken the time to break down exactly what makes you a douchebag, in case you're also mentally challenged enough to not have figured it out from the raving parody that IS this website.

Take a free ride on the clue-train with me:

This website - and whoever directed you here - is MAKING FUN OF YOU.

The testimonials on this website are MAKING FUN OF YOU.

See those "tips" to the right? They're not tips, you fuckwit. They are MAKING FUN OF YOU.

If you do ANY of the things mentioned in the "tips" to the right, that makes you a douchebag, and people are seeing right through it.

More importantly, they want you to learn a thing or two from this hopefully shaming experience:

  • Increasing your Twitter followers DOESN'T make you money if you have nothing of substance to start with.
  • Artificially inflating your Twitter followers with other auto-following douchebags like you DOESN'T mean you are being heard. It just means you have a follower's list full of people who will be too busy pitching their own affiliate/MLM garbage to give a good god-damn about anything you have to say. Its a circle-jerk, emphasis on the "jerk".
  • Increasing your Twitter following and then spamming the shit out of everyone will make you LOSE the precious few who MIGHT have been willing to listen to your bullshit.
  • Using ANY kind of "increase your Twitter followers" software or services makes you a giant douchebag. Having 40 followers that you actually engage with and who will listen to what you have to say is more valuable than 40,000 people who return follow and never read a single thing you post.
  • Any of the aforementioned software or services that promise to increase your Twitter followers with "real" people without spamming IS A FUCKING LIE. They are screwing YOU out of your money the same way you are striving to screw others our of theirs.
  • Spamming your Twitter feed with links to your own shitty affiliate site DOES make you suck. A lot.
  • Mixing in legitimate (but lazy) retweets of vaguely relevant articles on current events or social media trends in between your "increase your followers" ads and bullshit affiliate links STILL makes you a douchebag, albeit one that tries marginally harder to hide it. Newsflash: It's not working.
  • Doing the above also DOES NOT make you a fucking social media expert/guru/maven. Try having an original thought for once.
  • If someone is kind (or oblivious) enough to follow you back, sending them an auto-DM to your crappy e-book is NOT making a connection. It makes people block you.
  • Masking your douchebaggery by pretending to work towards a good cause, like, say, helping parents with disabled children, makes you King Lord God Douchebag, and you need to die in a fire for preying on people's vulnerabilities for your "in". You're a predator, simple as that, and you deserve the very worst that Hell has to offer. (I'm talking to you, "TheAffiliateGuy", and the other scumbags just like you.)
  • PS - your "this offer ends soon so act now" text on your bullshit affiliate site doesn't fool *anyone*. At all.
  • If you're seeing this page, it's because someone (or several someones) hates you and everything you stand for enough that you have been reported to a Twitter blacklist. Congratulations!

Hopefully, you'll learn something from this and become a better person - or at least make peace with your sins before you're hit by a bus on your way back home to Doucheville.

More FREE advice: Get a REAL fucking job.

The tide is changing, my little noob friend. We - the people on the Internet who don't suck - are developing more and more tools to block people like you. Your reign here is just about over. Hope you have another line of work picked out.

Practice it with me: "Would you like fries with that?"

There are actual people out there who have some degree of knowledge and expertise in social media. You are not one of them. If you were, you wouldn't need to resort to bullshit tactics to get followers.

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