Dear friend,
Do you want to learn how to use Web 2.0 Social Media to become a millionaire overnight? How would you like to increase your Twitter followers by eleventy-billion in 3.68 seconds? Do you want to use Twitter to make a gazillion dollars through affiliate marketing and multi-level marketing schemes? Do you use the term "Twitter Coach" to describe yourself?

Great news! You're well on your way to becoming a Social Media DouchebagTM already!

Site Notes

You're probably here because you're curious about the who, how and why of this site. Well, here it is, only not in that order.

The who isn't very exciting. I'm snipe. If you want to learn more, follow me on Twitter or visit my website. Or don't.

The why is pretty obvious - as an active Twitter user, I'm tired of all the social media douchebags and self-proclaimed experts. You can read more about how I feel on this here. Being a bit of a wiseass, a parody website seemed the perfect way to vent my frustrations and give people who feel the same a few chuckles.

As for the how, this was the fun part. In addition to the ridiculous promise of fabulous Twitter riches, I wanted to pull in some of the crappy copy and design issues that seem to plague these types of bullshit affiliate scam websites. To name just a few:

  • Huge red headlines
  • Inconsistently capitalized Words
  • Unnecessary use of “quotes” (being sure to make them “smartquotes”, so they can't copy+paste correctly.)
  • Blinking/scrolling text
  • Arbitrary, fictitious "expiration" date set to one day after today's date, no matter what today's date is
  • Exaggerated money-back guarantees that seem too good to be true, because they are
  • "Personal" guarantees, as if you're supposed to feel better because some anonymous internet fucktard puts their ethics on the line
  • Incorrect use of hyphens and em-dashes.
  • Random text that is underlined but not a link
  • Meaningless testimonials from fake people
  • Stupid boxes with yellow backgrounds and red dashed borders
  • ZOMG Web 2.0!
  • Comic Sans. 'Nuff said.
  • Use of "Certified" Twitter Expert/Coach/etc. (Hint - no such freaking thing.)
  • Offer to make a Twitter account AT NO COST TO YOU!!
  • For those of you who viewed the source, you'll notice the obnoxious read headline CSS class is h4.zomg and div.zomgtestimonial

The scary thing is that some of the most absurd text on this site was taken directly from actual sites promising a get-rich scheme and massive amounts of Twitter followers. "Don't You Deserve To Save Yourself Days of Frustration Trying To Figure It All Out On Your Own?" That one was ripped right from a real website. (And if you happen to be the owner of that website, the usage here falls under the classification of "parody", so you won't win a lawsuit against me for copyright infringement. Nice try though - looks like you've got to keep your day job, pathetic as it might be.)

I think it was that sentence above that pushed me over the edge. What they're basically saying is that a few days of hands-on learning is evidently too much to spend.

What's Next

We have some hilarious infauxmercials planned as "video testimonials" (because doesn't everyone love those?), and I may have to come up with a corporate edition, since this is largely the "entrepreneurial" (read: MLM/affiliate scammer) edition.

Special Thanks

Like anything else in my life (putting pants on, tying my shoelaces, etc), I couldn't have done this without help. I would like to extend a huge thanks to my fabulous Twitter followers for their support, laughter and clever suggestions that made this site what it is.

I'm sure I may miss a few (there was quite a flurry of tweets during the 7 manic hours this site was being built), but off the top of my head:

@wcgallego, @elainevdw, @nate23, @lundegaard, @rev_chas, @mrbill, @augmentedfourth, @fitzwillie, @jeraimee, @alphabitch, @PaulPetterson, @kcrusher, @warrenmonroe, @freakapotimus, @ralphp, @brandonsavage, @brlittle, @cerebus19, @frozensolidone, @RyanFingAwesome, @david973, @elpatro, @rogersanchez, @xriva, @flickdude and @sylliebee.

You should follow them. They're awesome and brilliant and they make me laugh and look smart.

If you got a laugh out of this site, be a good sport and Digg it, Retweet it, or vote it up on Reddit. Links are provided for your convenience. Thanks!